"...it is an interesting biological fact that all of us have in our veins the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean, and, therefore, we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears. We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea - whether it is to sail or to watch it - we are going back from whence we came."
[Remarks at the Dinner for the America's Cup Crews, September 14 1962]”
―
Over the past couple of years I have had the space, security and time to heal. Nic has encouraged me to do all of the things I need to do to work through my shit. He consistently proves to me that my history is not the present. He honors my experiences and holds space for me. Over the past five years I have turned inward and worked hard on sorting myself out. There was a lot to sort.
As a result of this inward turn, my creative life has taken a bit of a hit. I have also been working my ass off. Creativity is a privilege. You have to have time and energy to think, process, and then create. Most single moms do not have this. Most people in poverty do not have this. I have desperately missed my creative life and I have worried that perhaps I will never find it again. Maybe my writer-me is broken? But I am working hard on bringing her back. I have time now. I am working on giving me space and time. My creative life deserves space and a voice. Thankfully, my life now has space for this. Nic has given me so much. I recognize it is not easy to be married to someone who has the scars and baggage I have. He has fought for me to find time for myself and encouraged me to heal.
And so I am healing.
My first marriage was to someone of Latin X background. My kids are a quarter Mexican and a quarter Costa Rican. For the 16 years I was married to him I heard about the magic of Costa Rica. I wanted my kids to have access to that part of their heritage. I spent years eating his mother's cooking and hearing her stories of her life in Costa Rica. I dreamed of taking my kids there and allowing them to experience their culture. I deeply believe in knowing our families and our culture to better understand ourselves. In my life going to Maine and Texas and New Mexico and FRANCE were huge in understanding who I am.
This understanding has become even more important as my kids lost their dad, and his entire family in the stroke of a day. They have lost half of themselves. They do not want to invite those people back into their lives. As a result they have lost this connection to their history and their culture. This has been a source of sadness for them and for me.
Loss is complicated. I have mourned the relationship with my former in-laws pretty much since the day I married him. I always wanted a much different relationship than the one we had and I suffered a lot as a result.
Over the years and through the various losses of my children people have stepped up and filled in our gaps. There are more acts of kindness than I could possibly list or thank or appropriately acknowledge. We are here because of the people who loved us through our darkest day. I think about this every single day. There by the Grace of God, and the people who loved us, go I.
Gabe was able to swim all over the country because of you. Jamie was able to go to Peru because of you. We ate and survived because of you.
I have promised Bella for years to take her to Costa Rica as her big trip. I have tried to be fair to make sure that they each had things and traveled as much I could. Travel is very important to me and I wanted to share that as much as I could with the means I had. The loss of her culture has been more profound for Bella. Gabe needed to swim. Jamie needed Peru. Bella needs to go back to her roots. The years, COVID, school, her school, and life have made that trip long, long delayed.
However today we are packing for that very trip. WE ARE PACKING FOR THAT VERY TRIP.
I don't know if this trip will give her healing or understanding of herself. I don't know if this trip will give me healing or understanding of myself. Travel is a strange and beautiful beast. You never know what you will find along your way. Last week I stood in the Atlantic Ocean in Maine and looked out over the sea thinking of my father's family, thinking about my ties to this land, thinking about all of the ways that I am connected to this place. I stood thinking that this water separates Nic from his family in England. I stood thinking about friends and family in England where this water kisses the shore of those people. I also stood thinking about this water on my feet, knowing that this week the very same water will touch me in a very different place. I will be in the land of my children's father and grandmother. A place and people who feel so far away and alien to us.
It's complicated. I have a lot of feelings about it. I am sure that memories and emotions will come and go across my heart like the waves of the ocean on my feet. It is a trip we both need.
This story is a love story. It is not the love story I thought I would have 24 years ago. It is not the love story I dreamed for myself as a little girl. Love is crazy and complicated. This is a love story of a mother and her children. It is the love story of finding love in the best man in the world after losing every single thing I thought I had. It is learning that love is kind. It is finding love in people, friends and family. It is finding love for myself, which has been maybe the hardest part of this journey.
And so Bella and I will go back to the sea, and back from whence she came.
And now, I had better go pack!
Stay tuned.
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